Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
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*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Finally a use for spoilers…
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.