If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
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Are you ok, human???
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Pass gas, not judgment.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not