Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Mood.. 😂
incredible book dedication
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
is this how new cars are made??
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.