LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.