“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My first child will be named New Folder.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Just a phase…
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”