Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
HOW DARE YOU
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?