My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
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[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid