[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
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Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
🤣dope
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.