It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
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the Monday after daylight savings
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems