I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
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Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Autocorrect completely socks
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.