DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
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my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf