it’s finally my moment to shine
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I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
OMG 🤣🤣
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Oh. My. God.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.