Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
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*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff