If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
You Might Also Like
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Meanwhile in Portland…
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
dam girl
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*