got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
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Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad