I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
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if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.