The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
adam and eve had first world problems
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
oh u like history? name everything that happened