Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
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I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m not proud
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Challenge accepted.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My first child will be named New Folder.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.