Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
You Might Also Like
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.