Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
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👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.