[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
You Might Also Like
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Need this in my life lol
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.