Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
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Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.