Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday