Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
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My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Love it! 👍😂
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.