Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Anyone want a chair?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
This is my pinned tweet
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Bless you
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.