Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
#parenting
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.