I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
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Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.