There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
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Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!