If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
You Might Also Like
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Oh yeah that’s it
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick