My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
You Might Also Like
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
any last words?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.