Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
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The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*