[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
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My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot