Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
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Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Oh, I bet you would be
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground