Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
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Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
They did not think through this water fountain
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
A little too much information.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I’m not wrong
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity