I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
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Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”