The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
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Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
A roof is a house hat.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!