Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
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Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.