1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door