Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Beauty and the Beast
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.