A completely valid reaction tbh
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
HOW DARE YOU