The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
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I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.