The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.