Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
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therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
happy friday
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”