Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
You Might Also Like
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area