Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it