Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
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get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.