I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
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Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win