I like long walks away from everyone
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Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
A family that plays together cheats.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?