Good for him馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ馃槈馃ぃ
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It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
stephen king鈥檚 mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me: I hate it when I realize I鈥檝e made a bad decision, but I鈥檓 too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My 12 year old鈥檚 response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she鈥檚 trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I鈥檒l hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I鈥檓 doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let鈥檚 go to the hospital
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.