doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
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If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
🤣could you imagine
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.